Sex, Lies, and Betrayals in the Digital Age

2/19/2025

Introduction

Imagine for one moment that you are mindlessly walking by your partner’s phone and happen to glance at a text message notification that says, “Hey, I miss you. When can you get away?” How would you feel? What would be running through your mind and body? 

This scenario is not unlike many I have heard about in my work as a professional clinical counselor, and as technology has become more accessible and commonplace, the relative ease of digital cheating has never been so prevalent. 

What Happened

Studies in recent years have been painting a picture that is increasingly more vivid: our phones are getting in the way of our relationships. One study reports that “social media and/or the conflict and jealousy that arises from social media use is associated with relationship conflict, breakups, and even divorce (Clayton, 2014; Clayton, Nagurney, & Smith, 2013; Cravens, Leckie, & Whiting, 2013; Fox, Osborn, & Warber, 2014; Ridgway & Clayton, 2016; Valenzuela, Halpern, & Katz, 2014)” (McDaniel et al, 2017). According to mcooperlaw.com, among adults aged 18-29, around 11% of women and 10% of men report having cheated digitally. The likelihood of cheating increases with age, peaking among those aged 50-59, where 28% of men and 17% of women admit to infidelity.

What’s Happening Now 

Online dating apps, like Tinder and others, have made covert connections simple and easily accessible, while pornography is commonplace. Thirty percent of internet users admit to making visits to pornographic sites, and up to two-thirds of this group wind up engaging in physical affairs with their online partners (Grok, 2025).  Even “innocent” text messaging apps like WhatsApp, or social media platforms like Facebook, are easily used to reach out to former partners and to breed emotional affairs. In an era where we are more connected than we ever thought possible, technology has also broken down so many barriers that we find ever-increasing avenues for betrayal and disconnection. 

What This Means For You

If this has impacted your life, you know that betrayal is the poisonous seed that can ruin the ground of trust in any relationship. Without trust, a relationship will die. The fear, anger, and trauma that result when one partner betrays the trust of the other is often beyond words. Finding your way back to stability and safety is a very overwhelming process, and it takes time, patience, and a high tolerance for uncomfortable and painful feelings. If you are like the majority of couples, technology has negatively impacted your relationship at least some of the time. But if your partner was caught having an emotional or sexual affair, finding new partners on dating apps, sending illicit pictures and texts, or visiting pornographic websites, you are likely in a state of tremendous pain. You may wonder what you should do next.

What You Can Do

One of the best places to start is to find a qualified therapist who can help you sort through and clarify not only what has happened, but how it has impacted you emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Your therapist can help you make sense of what feels overwhelming. A therapist who has been trained in couples therapy and particularly in betrayals will help you and your partner sort through what led up to the indiscretions, what is needed to begin to establish clear boundaries and agreements between you and to make clear paths about what is needed to build safety and trust. At the same time, you may wonder if you want to trust your partner again. Individual and/or couples therapy can help you figure this out. There is no “right” answer.

Closing

With the flood of dating apps and social media sites, we are now seeing a huge increase in emotional affairs and secret liaisons, alongside the widespread presence of pornography. In a time of unprecedented connectivity, technology has dismantled numerous obstacles, inadvertently creating more opportunities for disloyalty and relational breakdowns. As a couples therapist, I regularly help couples who are grappling with some form of this type of betrayal.

If you have been impacted by a betrayal, reach out to me for a free 15 minute phone consultation to see if I might be a fit for you .

Source:
McDaniel, B. T., Drouin, M., & Cravens, J. D. (2017). Do You Have Anything to Hide? Infidelity-Related Behaviors on Social Media Sites and Marital Satisfaction. Computers in human behavior, 66, 88–95. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2016.09.031